I’ve been in courses nonstop since the start of 2017, with the exception of taking one semester off due to a concussion that made my head spin when I even looked at a book. There’s only one month left until my undergrad coursework ends, and only three until I’ll have that coveted sheet of paper saying I’m ready to take on the world (or at least ready to apply to grad school, that is… let’s face it, I’m a social sciences major!).
And honestly… I’m burning out.
As I’ve been slogging through the marshlands of these last few arduous months of school, fears have been taking up a lot of my brain space, making it harder and harder to take necessary steps forward.
I’ve struggled with imposter syndrome and the fear of failure for as long as I can remember. I’ve been scared that I won’t live up to my own expectations — or, worse yet, the expectations of others — and that I’m just not good enough to occupy the spaces that I’m a part of.
This means that whenever I start something new, it takes me a long time to feel assured that I’m capable in my role. And I’ve been doing the same things — volunteering, teaching art classes, attending lectures, writing papers — for the better part of the past six years. Even in these familiar tasks, I often feel uncertain about my own skills and worthiness to occupy the spaces of student-hood, of teaching, of helping others.
So now that there’s the big Unknown World of post-grad life around the corner, I’m feeling more apprehensive and unfit than ever. I’ve been struggling to recognize my own worth, my right to have a voice, and my right to take up space.
Source: Emily McDowell
“Who am I to work in the mental health field when I’m still struggling so much with my own mental health?”
“What makes me think I can help people when I can’t even help myself half the time?”
“What if I can’t even get into grad school?”
“Am I really qualified — at all — to pursue this career?”
“What if I’m a total fraud?”
Inevitably, these thoughts leave me feeling like an inadequate, hopeless garbage person. And it’s really, really hard to want to keep going when I feel like a garbage person!
So when I recognize these thoughts, here’s something I revisit to process them and lay them to rest… which makes the slog through the “burnout swamp” a little easier to manage:
So many people in the world do what I want to do.
So many of those people aren’t qualified.
So many of those people aren’t the right fit for the job.
So… how did they get where they are?
Though access to resources and barriers have an impact on people’s access to the field… at some point, these people decided that their voice, their abilities, their efforts, were of worth.
They believed in themselves.
They persevered when things felt hard.
They decided they were worth it.
So even if it feels silly, even if it feels fake, even if it feels contrived and airy-fairy and ridiculous, believing in myself is a powerful step to getting where I want to go. When my mind starts telling me I don’t have worth, I challenge the things it says:
I talk back to the voice that’s keeping me small.
What if I can’t do it? —> What if I can?
What if I don’t have enough experience? —> What if I trust that I can learn the skills along the way?
What if someone else could do better? —> What if I trust my own knowledge and skills?
What if I fail? —> What if I thrive? What if failure isn’t actually a terrible outcome? What if my mistake leads to eventual success, and lifelong learning?
What if it’s hard/scary/hurts? —> What if it becomes my new normal, and I look back at today and can’t believe it ever seemed so insurmountable?
I don’t have to be exactly where I want to be right now. I don’t need to know everything there is to know. I don’t have to have every answer, or every skill. But I do need to be prepared to make the occasional mistake. To achieve, I have to make room to be vulnerable and maybe even heartbroken. If I want freedom, joy, and success, I have to make room for doubt, fear, and struggle… and this might mean failing and feeling out of place sometimes.
I am worthy. Even if I fail.
I deserve to take up space. Even if I fail.
I owe it to myself to try. Even if it feels fake. Even if failure is terrifying.
It takes time to get where I want to be. And, yes — it might take a bit of failure…
And that’s okay.
Source: Pinterest
The views expressed in this blog are my own, and do not necessarily reflect the policies or views of the University of Victoria. I monitor posts and comments to ensure all content complies with the University of Victoria Guidelines on Blogging.
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