Recently, my partner had his wisdom teeth removed. Because he lives alone, he stayed over for a few days to rest and recuperate after the procedure (read: binge watch Parks and Recreation, play altogether too many very intense games of scrabble, and eat ALL THE SOUP).
The procedure went well, and he was feeling better in no time… but spending nearly every waking and sleeping hour with another human being for a week gave me a metaphorical toothache. Things he said that would normally make me laugh became infuriating. Things he did that might bug me a little on a regular day were unbearable. Over the course of five days, I rapidly devolved into an exhausted, grouchy troll of a person, uttering grunts and silently fuming in response to everything he said.
(I think I need my own personal Professor Quirrell to alert people when I’m running low on social energy.)
My dour mood didn’t go unnoticed. My partner picked up on my frustrations pretty fast, recognizing them for what they were. Without me asking, he took the initiative to give me some space and breathing room. And after less than 24 hours of alone time, I was back to feeling more human than troll. I was grateful — albeit a little embarrassed — that I hadn’t reached out and told him what I needed.
At this point, it might go without saying: I am a textbook introvert.
So, what is introversion?
The Myers Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI, is a personality test which is seen by some as a sort of pseudo-scientific, pseudo-intellectual horoscope. Others regard the test as a great tool for self-understanding. (I happen to think it’s a little of both.) The test defines introversion in terms of energy: introverts “recharge” their batteries through time spent alone, while extroverts “recharge” their batteries through time with others. Too much social time can sap an introvert’s batteries, leaving them feeling exhausted, troll-like, and even physically ill. (If you want to take the official MBTI, it’ll cost you — but some unofficial versions can be found here or here, if you’d like to explore the personality types.)
There’s little scientific evidence to back up Myers-Briggs’ claim that introversion/extroversion is based in energy levels. However, I personally find that there’s some merit in this definition. Having time to myself after lots of social interaction is usually exactly what I need to start feeling like myself again.
But recognizing the need for space isn’t always easy (as my troll-self demonstrated). Growing up in a society that idealizes extroverted qualities, introverts — including myself — can sometimes get it into their heads that they don’t, or shouldn’t, need space. Spending our free time with friends and loved ones is perceived as the right thing to do, especially in a culture in which “alone” and “lonely” are sometimes seen as synonymous. As such, it can be difficult to recognize and honour that you need to take time, step away, and be alone — and it can be even more difficult to ask for that alone time.
So how can you recognize this need, and ask for space?
1. Cultivate self-reflection.
Being attentive of your own actions and thoughts is so important. If you find yourself feeling fatigued, resentful, or if you’ve stopped replying to all messages and are inadvertently giving everyone the silent treatment, it could be a sign that you’re in need of some alone time. Taking some time out of your day to reflect on how you’re feeling and what your needs are is great, regardless of whether or not you’re an introvert. Mindfulness techniques can help with getting you more in touch with the way you’re feeling.
2. Be honest — with yourself.
The first thing to do is accept that you do need the space. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself or help yourself before helping others. Investing your time in self-care will help not only you, but also those around you. Learning how to discern when you need time to yourself is really important in cultivating mental health as an introverted person!
3. Be honest — with others.
A quote commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss that states “those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter”. Letting people who care about you know that you need space, and that it’s integral to your well-being, is unlikely to be met with a sour response. And communication is key! Giving your loved ones a heads up that you need space will keep them from worrying when you disappear while you’re “recharging”.
4. Let people know that when you’re ready, you’ll reach out — and do.
As an introvert, you might sometimes feel like curling up in a ball and hibernating until the end of time. However, spending too much time alone can be maladaptive. As a person who is both an introvert AND coping with depression and anxiety, I have to remain conscious of whether my hermit-like habits are healthily filling a need, or if I’m isolating myself from others when I should really be reaching out. Again, it’s important to remain mindful and to recognize your own behavioural and emotional patterns. Staying connected to your community is important; let people know that you’ll talk to them when you feel ready to get back to people-ing again.
Introvert or not, learning to recognize, prioritize, and communicate your needs is so valuable. If you have any favourite “recharging” activities, leave them in the comments below!
– Cassidy
The views expressed in this blog are my own, and do not necessarily reflect the policies or views of the University of Victoria. I monitor posts and comments to ensure all content complies with the University of Victoria Guidelines on Blogging.