When I first moved out of my parents’ house, I moved into a shared residence room at UVic with my best friend from high school. This was a serious learning experience, and the beginning of a tumultuous string of living spaces and living partners! Over the four years that I’ve lived in Victoria, I’ve occupied five different rooms, in five different houses, with six different roommates.
All of my living partners have been young students, “new adults” in their first few years out of the nest, who are learning to balance work, school, and life… while still occasionally remembering to take out the trash and brush their teeth.
Through it all, I’ve never lived with strangers; always with friends, or friends of friends.
Throughout my roommate experiences, there has been one common thread: there’s a certain amount of responsibility that comes with having roommates who you’re friendly with, and it doesn’t just have to do with cleaning up your messes and paying for your share of the toilet paper.
You might be the first person they speak to after a hard day at work or school. You see them first thing in the morning, when they’re more gremlin than human. And you observe their daily behaviour: you’re the one who sees when they party five nights in a row, or when they don’t leave their room for a week except to make a packet of Mr Noodles and maybe, just maybe, shower.
Living with others means you are an intrinsic part of their support network.
While juggling the stress of school, work, and mental health struggles, it can be hard to be in a supporting role to other people while also prioritizing own needs.
So how can you be a supportive living parter, while also balancing your own self care and daily life?
1. Put on your oxygen mask first – metaphorically speaking.
You know the scenario: when the steward runs through flight safety before take-off, they always say to put your oxygen mask on first before you assist those around you. By putting your needs first you’ll be better able to help others.
This tip extends to self-care, too. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to help others for very long before you run out of “oxygen” – or in this case, energy.
Making sure you’re practicing good self-care and taking time for yourself are integral to managing your energy and keeping yourself in a good place to not only support others, but be supported yourself. Ensuring you’re keeping in touch with your own needs is good for everyone!
2. Make time to talk.
It can be hard to find time to spend together when you’re living with people who don’t share your schedule. Making time to spend together can be a very valuable way to keep the peace and make sure you know what’s going on in each others’ lives.
This doesn’t have to look the same in all scenarios; it could be dinner once a week, or an evening check-in every day. But having scheduled time to chat and check in is a good way to make sure your home life runs smoothly.
Additionally, having a set time for discussion gives confrontational conversations a space to exist in. This can make them easier to start, have, and move past.
3. Be honest.
Living with friends can be a blessing — you’ve always got someone around to laugh with, have movie nights with, roll around on the floor and groan with during midterms, etcetera, etcetera…
As such, it can be tempting to throw issues under the rug and avoid talking when something’s bothering you. However, this approach can breed resentment.
Knowing your own needs is one thing… but making them known to others can be difficult. Confrontation is hard, especially when you know that the person you’re living with, well, lives with you. Fear that a poorly-executed conversation will end in a fight, and that your house won’t be a place of comfort anymore, can cause avoidance of the issue.
But being open and honest with what’s going on for you is so important. Your roommate might not realize that you’re doing the dishes all the time if you’re not vocal about it. And unless you mention that the shoes they leave all over the floor bothers you, they’ll probably stay in the dark. Be tactful when you approach them; this isn’t about fighting, it’s about making sure your home is comfortable for all of its residents.
Being open with your roommate extends further than just telling them when their behaviour is affecting you in less-than-ideal ways. Letting them know when you’re stressed or going through a rough time can help them to see your perspective on the days when you don’t have the energy to do dishes right away, or absentmindedly forget to do something they asked you to.
As a last note… though it might feel tough and uncompromising, or even totally unnecessary when you’re moving in with people you already know you get along with, sitting down and creating a roommate agreement can be a great way to reduce conflict preemptively. It allows you to let your roommates know what your pet peeves and no-nos are in a non-confrontational way, and vice versa.
4. Ask questions!
Making assumptions about why your roommate is behaving the way they are can breed resentment… which can rapidly cause destruction in your relationship. The dishes all over the kitchen could be because they’re lazy and don’t want to clean up; or it could be because they’re feeling low and aren’t having the energy to both feed themselves and clean up.
Approaching them with empathy and openness, and actively listening to what they have to say, is the best way to learn what’s going on for them.
5. Know everyone has different coping skills and strategies.
Self-care looks a bit different for everyone. As such it’s important to keep these differences in mind when assessing your roommate’s behaviour.
If you’re an extrovert living with an introvert, or vice versa, it’s important to remember that behaviours might look different; a person might need more or less space depending on what suits them. While spending a day by yourself watching Netflix or reading might resemble depressive behaviour to one person, it could be another’s way of unwinding after a difficult week.
6. Know you’re not a replacement for professional support.
As much as you care and want to help, at the end of the day, it is not your responsibility to provide care for your roommate. Remember that you cannot replace the professional help that a struggling person might need, nor can you control their actions. There are many resources on campus for people who are struggling, including UVic Counselling Services, UVic Health Services, the new-as-of-October Peer Support Centre, and many more. Off campus resources include The Foundry, Vancouver Island Crisis Society, and the Victoria Youth Clinic.
Providing your roommate with these resources, and offering to accompany them to a meeting or appointment, can provide necessary support in taking the steps to getting help… which can be incredibly difficult to do if you feel like you’re doing it alone.
7. Make sure you’re supported, too!
If you’re struggling with knowing how to support someone with mental illness, reaching out, asking questions, and speaking to one of the professionals listed above yourself may be helpful.
Having a support network of not only professionals, but also friends, is so important, and not only for the obvious reasons.
Maintaining and nurturing relationships that are mutually beneficial and supportive will help to create a community in which you, your relationships, and those around you can thrive. Also, it can be really valuable to have an outside perspective on your circumstances.
Like a frog in hot water, it can sometimes be difficult to see how bad a situation has gotten until it’s causing damage. Talking out your situation with someone who’s distant from it can help you to gain a fresh perspective on whether your roommate scenario is healthy, if it needs some work, or if you should look at changing your living arrangements.
8. Don’t feel pressured to stay.
When you care for the person who you live with, you might find that you force yourself to stay in a situation long after it’s become toxic. Please know that you don’t have to. Home, first and foremost, should be a place that feels safe. If this isn’t the case, even after you’ve openly communicated your needs with your living partner(s), please know that it’s not wrong to put your health needs first and remove yourself from the situation.
As a person who has had to void a lease due to a traumatic living arrangement, I can say for certain not only that it can be done, but that it should be in some scenarios. If voiding doesn’t seem feasible, it may be possible for you to sublet your space to another renter for the remainder of the lease.
Leaving a toxic relationship and living space behind lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. Despite it being an incredibly difficult loss, I am so grateful to have learned what I did from the process, and to have gotten past it as a better and stronger person.
9. Create a “third space” for yourself.
If things become difficult to handle at home and moving doesn’t feel like an option, it’s still great to be able to go elsewhere and get away from the stress. Whether this is to a close friend’s or family member’s house, a favourite coffee shop downtown, or your favourite study space on campus, having a second “home base” to spend time at can provide necessary space during the times when your house feels like less than a home. Having space from the situation can also help you see it in a new light, and give you some breathing room to work through your thoughts.
My two fluffy roommates, Benedict Cumberbunny and Bun, are wonderful living partners… despite being rather messy, needy, and never cleaning up after themselves.
All in all, living with people who you’re close to has its ups and downs. I’ve had friendships end, and friendships grow so much stronger, because of living together. My roommates over the years have taught me so much, from the Dominos pizza code, to statistics formulas, to the best way to fry tofu. And over the process of all of this, I’ve learned so much about myself, my needs, and how to communicate with the people around me in an effective manner.
I’m really grateful to know what I do now… especially the tofu recipe.
If you have any lessons you’ve learned from sharing a living space with other students, please leave your thoughts in the comments below. Thanks so much for reading!
– Cassidy
The views expressed in this blog are my own, and do not necessarily reflect the policies or views of the University of Victoria. I monitor posts and comments to ensure all content complies with the University of Victoria Guidelines on Blogging.