Letters From The Closet: To Those Also In The Closet

by Anonymous

Usually right above the beginning of a blog post there is a headline telling you who posted what you’re about to read. I’m not really sure what you’ll be seeing in place of that; all I know is that it definitely won’t be my name.

I’ve never really considered myself closeted, honestly. Anyone who knows me is acutely aware that I share everything with everyone. I’m always talking, I love to tell stories, and I am loud.

Hiding myself is the opposite of how people normally see me. It’s the opposite of how I see myself. But every time I head home for a semester break, I find myself bracing for impact. Because nowadays being home means pretending part of myself away. I can feel myself shrinking.

For me being in the closet is about someone else’s pride. A person in my life would never accept me because of what the rest of the family might think. What the rest of the world might think. What God might think. That person might not be able to bare all that shame. That’s why I shrink.

Everyone has their own reason, often it’s about fear. The fear that their family may not agree, may not look at them the same, may not want them in their lives at all. It could be the fear of being ignored, not being taken seriously, being told what they feel isn’t real. Sometimes it may just be a personal struggle, maybe they’re not ready to come out to themselves let alone anyone else.

Whatever your reason may be, I’d like to dedicate this letter to you. To those who are also in the closet. To those who also shrink themselves.

I’m writing this letter because I need you to know that this feeling isn’t irreversible. It’s true, going to see my family is often difficult. I’ve never introduced my partner to my family over dinner and I’m not sure I ever will. Lying makes me feel like so incredibly stuck. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating. Yes, this is all true but you need to know that this feeling isn’t permanent.

Going back to my family home is difficult but things have never been easier than when I’m lounging on the couch with my partner by my side. I’ve never had the “meet the parents” dinner with my partner but I’ve had breakfast, lunch, dinner, and everything in between introducing all of my closest friends to the love of my life. And, yes lying has taken a toll on me that I wasn’t expecting, but being able to tell the truth feels like a breath of fresh air.

I’ve never really considered myself closeted. The reason for that is the wonderful company I surround myself with. My friends and my partner keep me feeling free. I would never have to hide from them.

Unfortunately, the truth is that I am in the closet and many of you might be too. But I’ve found a community here. I’ve been able to meet people who relate to my situation. I’ve been able to learn about what it means to be LGBTQ+. I’ve been able to feel so at ease with who I am. I don’t always have to feel like I’m in the closet. And neither do you.

Resources

UVic Pride is a collective on campus that provides LGBTQ+ resources, advocacy, education, information, referral services, peer support, skill development, and workshops. They are located in the basement of the Student Union Building in room B010 and always welcome people who would like to drop in and learn more about the collective or the resources they offer.

The Positive Space Network is a visible network of students, faculty, staff and alumni who are working to make the University of Victoria a safer and more inclusive space for people of all genders and sexualities. Check out their video and resources for students, staff and faculty too!

You can also find additional resources in Victoria here: LGBT resources