My Roommate is my Bookie, and we’re Betting on Bitcoin

“Don’t blow your student loan on anything stupid.” — My Naive Mother

I was so sure of myself when I applied for my student loan. I had planned out my entire budget and was grooming myself into the life of a frugal hermit. Surely I will use this money responsibly and have little to no debt when I graduate. All this changed the moment the loan was deposited in my account. In moments I went from a single zero in my bank balance to 3 (three!). I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

A candid photo of myself checking my bank account.

The first thing I did was some initial research. I was suddenly thrust into the world of the 1%, and I needed to find a way to keep up with these corporate fat cats lest I be booted back down to the common folk and their instant noodles. According to Google I had to start spending money to make money, so spend money I did.

This was an excellent opportunity to apply some of the things I’ve learned in class to real life. My final research paper for the semester was about people making money from Bitcoin, so I started there with a modest $500 investment. One hour later my portfolio was worth $501.37 and, not wanting to miss out on this goldrush, I immediately invested a further $4500. Some may believe that I prematurely blew my loan all over Bitcoin, but I was wise and diversified my investments.

If my interpretation of this graph is correct I should never lose.

Diversified how you ask? I knew Bitcoin was a bit of a gamble, and I was not prepared to gamble away my entire student loan (I am, as you can tell, not stupid). I instead focused my sights on gambling’s well-respected brother, sports betting.

This was simple thanks to my roommate Marco, who had been recently dabbling with online bets. To be clear, the world of sports is completely foreign to me. I consider my gym to be the library, and my playing field to be a standardized test.

Marco, on the other hand, has an encyclopedic knowledge of football and basketball, a savant if you will. Just listening to him talk about his recent winnings made me want to blow a huge wad of cash. I figured it’s not really gambling if I know the outcome every time, so I started placing every bet Marco told me to. I had found myself a bookie and secured my financial future.

A cartoon duck (bearing an uncanny resemblance to myself) counts his giant stack of money (bearing an uncanny resemblance to my giant stack of money).

You too can live this life of financial independence. If you follow a smart, diversified investment plan, you can secure your future and never have to worry about money again. As for me, I am currently (albeit temporarily) armpit deep in the red, but worry not as Marco has just assured me that the coin toss on Thursday’s football game will in fact be tails.

If my story has encouraged you to pursue a wolf of wall street lifestyle, leave a comment below that says “woof woof” which means “never trust big banks” in wolf-speak. If you would like to help my cause, buy some Bitcoin to artificially raise the value and net me some sweet returns, or share this post on Facebook.