Funniest Words in the English Language

Funniest Words in . . .
the English Language . . .

Grub. Yes, grub. That was the funniest word EVER for me .. in Grade 1!

I had never heard the word ‘grub‘ before and it sounded so ridiculous and … FUNNY! Oh, sure … it makes me chuckle NOW, but what are some words that really ARE funny … at least to me, now! I have posted about ‘The Funniest Languages in the World‘ but this post will be about Funny English words!

According to Wikipedia :

Certain words have been suggested to be inherently funny. Vaudeville tradition holds that words with the letter k are funny. A 2015 study at the University of Alberta suggested that the humor of certain nonsense words can be explained by whether they seem rude, and by the property of entropy – the improbability of certain letters being used together in a word.

Yeah, I was as surprised as you were, that there was an actual Wikipedia article about ‘Inherently Funny Words’! And turns out, there might even be a science to it!

From whong to quingel: the science of funny words” the basic theory is that words have entropy. And ….

Well, what they’ve found is a strong inverse correlation between funniness and a property called entropy. This is a way of expressing how usual the letters in the NW are – so the less commonly they’re used in English, the lower the total entropy of the NW. To put it another way, the less “wordy” these NWs are, the more they strike us as humorous.”

I guess it takes a research scientist to take the fun out of research, even if the research is ABOUT FUN! LOL!

To me, a word is funny because it invokes a memory of something funny, a ridiculous idea, a sound that does not sound ‘right’ or even how a person pronounces it! I actually think the word ORANGE is very funny! And probably because …NOTHING RHYMES WITH  ‘ORANGE! Well, actually, there might be….

And guess what the following words have in common …. NONE OF THEM HAVE ANY RHYMES EITHER!

silver, purple, month, ninth, pint, wolf, opus, dangerous, marathon and discombobulate.

And sticking with the word ‘ORANGE‘ is a an interesting ‘Chicken vs Egg’ controversy … which came first … the colour or the fruit

And don’t think that English ALONE has funny words. A future post will decribe Funny Canadian Words and Slang Phrases, a taste of which is below in a YouTube video!

Okay, going on the record, my list, in no particular order, some of my favourite funny words are:

Orange, Lollygag, Gonzo, Doozy, Malarkey, Gobbledygook, Flerken, Brouhaha,  Stupendous, … and of course, the most ubiquitous word in the entire English-Canadian Dictionary … “‘eh!” And the most famous Canadian political words ever spoken … Fuddle Duddle!

And the single greatest cartoon strip of ALL TIME is Calvin & Hobbes, which also introduced many funny and amazing words – that only a Tiger and a 6-year old would understand! There just might be future post involving Calvin & Hobbes too! 

    1. The 100 Funniest Words in English
    2. The 10 funniest words in the English language according to science
    3. The 100 Funniest Words in English
    4. 75+ Funny Words That Will Discombobulate You
    5. 34 of the Craziest Words in English
    6. 23 Stupendous Vocabulary Words I Learned From ‘Calvin & Hobbes’

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

 

40 Funny Sounding
English Words

5 Funny English Words
and Their English Meanings

Weekly English Words with Alisha 
Funny Sounding Words

Top Funniest Words
in the English Language

How to Speak Like a Canadian
21 Funny Canadian
Slang Words and Phrases

Funny Sounding Words
From Around the World

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ancient Technology . . . or Be Kind to Your Digital Elders!

Ancient Technology . . .
or . . .
. . . Be Kind to Your Digital Elders

Where we you in … no, not ’62, but 1984!!!

1984 immediately brings to mind two thing – my Grade 12 class on George Orwell’s novel and … the introduction of the original Macintosh computer … and that famous commercial, broadcast only ONCE, during the Super Bowl that year. It is considered The Greatest Commercial of All Time!

But did you know that it was originally introduced by none other than Steve Jobs at an Apple meeting? And of course, this is made available through the magic of … YouTube!

Steve Jobs Introduces the 
Macintosh for the FIRST TIME!

 

When I originally started in The CALL Facility in 1989, there was ONE SINGLE SOLITARY MACINTOSH IN THE ENTIRE ROOM! The rest were all IBM computers. Yes, IBM!!!

It had been about 5 years since the original Mac had been introduced and made commercially available, but it had one unique incredible feature – it was the only computer (to the best of my knowledge back then!) that offered different operating systems (known back then as System 6) in DIFFERENT LANGUAGES!

To switch to Japanese, the ONLY other fully functional operating system that was installed at the time, required a full reboot after ‘blessing’ a folder that contained … the Japanese Operating System! And then, when finished, the same procedure had to be performed … IN JAPANESE, to reboot and return to System 6!

I think the very first document I ever produced in The CALL Facility .. was how to switch from English to Japanese and then back to English in System 6.0 on the only Mac, probably in all of Clearhue!

And there is my segue into languages! Communication! Ideas! Imagination! Cooperation!

This so-called ‘New Normal’ that we are now wrapped up in, still requires teamwork and literally thinking ‘outside the box’ that was our previous workplace location! We are truly … reinventing the box, while simultaneously physically being outside of our boxes! 👍

Truly astonishing that we can ZOOM, text, email, video and phone so easily now – and that allows us to maintain communications, both social and professional, with the click of a button! 30 years ago, this would have been in the realm of Harry Potter kind of magic .. and Harry Potter didn’t exist until 1997!

I still have some ‘ancient technology’ including my first ever computer, a Commodore SX-64, outrageously described as a ‘portable computer’ weighing in at a whopping 23 POUNDS!

A few years ago – 2017 seems SO long ago now – Systems had an Open House with the theme of ‘Time Travellers – Meet the Team – Systems Through Time‘ and it was a ‘Blast from our Past‘!

And both my Mac SE that I bought in 1989 and my venerable SX-64 are still working! Amazing! 

The CALL Facility – 30th Anniversary!

A few great articles to take you down Memory Lane here:

  1. Happy 35th Birthday to Apple’s Original Macintosh
  2. Happy 35th Birthday, Apple!
  3. Happy 35th birthday, Macintosh! Here are 7 wild photos from the 1984 release
  4. Happy 35th birthday, Macintosh! Here are 11 wild photos from the 1984 release

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

 

Old Computers Did it Better

Evolution of Laptops
and Portable Computers (1975-2020)

Macintosh 128K 
Vintage Computer Review

Macintosh 1984 Promotional Video 
WITH Bill Gates

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Oldest Word in the English Language . . . or Maybe the First?

The Oldest Word . . .
in the English Language . . .
. . . or Maybe the First?

What is, or perhaps might be, the oldest word in the English language? Could it be the FIRST word too?

Well, according to a 2009 study, the oldest words are, according to “Today I Discovered The Oldest Words In The English Language“:

According to a 2009 study by researchers at Reading University, the oldest words in the English language include “I“, “we“, “who“, “two” and “three“, all of which date back tens of thousands of years. The discovery was made by tracking the divergence of ancestral words into different languages (including English) with an IBM supercomputer.

And that makes SO much sense! Self awareness, consciousness, self-identity and the famous phrase from René Descartes, “Cogito, ergo sum” or as we know it better,I think, therefore I am. And how wonderfully ironic that an IBM supercomputer was used too!

And numbers too! I previously posted about “The Original and Universal Language of Math” so that ties in quite well too!

And from another favourite website, Dictionary.com – The Oldest Words In The English Language, comes their roster of oldest words and it appeals to the poet in all of us!

In an unrelated study, the linguistic boffins at Dictionary.com revealed the oldest words in their online dictionary, although these only go back to 900AD or so. They include “love“, “black” (which predates “white” by a significant margin), “mother“, “give“, “man/woman“, “fire“, “hand“, “hear“, “pull“, “spit” and “worm“. Interestingly, “old” itself is one of the oldest words in the English language. As Dictionary.com explains:

Other authorities post similar results and go one step further, “Scientists discover oldest words in the English language and predict which ones are likely to disappear in the future” by predicting which words will become obsolete!

Babbel is another great resource for language and word information, and they list their ‘Oldest Words in The English Language‘ as well. All very similar and all fascinating in their reasons.

And what happens AFTER the first word is used? LANGUAGES! A future post will discuss the ‘Oldest Languages in the World‘!

So, just think about it … every time you say a sentence such as, “I am going on a coffee break!”, “We should order pizza tonight!”, “Who wants to go to Tofino for two or three nights?” . . .  you are using the oldest words in the English language! Even the pizza … check my list below for The First Ever Pizza Delivery! 

Words come and words go. There was even a 40 New Words That Were Added to the Dictionary in 2019. And that too will be a future OAC Bog Blog topic – how do new words come into existence?

And of course, a bit of frivolity here, with some other dubious and historical ‘Firsts’ or ‘Oldest’ using words, of course!

  1. The First Ever Morse Code Sent
  2. The First Speech Transmitted by Telephone
  3. The First Message on ‘The Internet’
  4. The First Text Message Ever Sent Was 25 Years Ago
  5. The Oldest Known Riddle
  6. The World’s Oldest Joke (1900 BC)
  7. 14 Old-Fashioned Words for Writers
  8. The First Ever …. Pizza Delivery! (especially nowadays!)

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

 

What are the Oldest Words
in the World?

What’s the Earliest
English Word?

The World’s Oldest
English Dictionary

15,000 Year Old Words 
We Still Use

‘May I say how delightful it is to hear he use of the word ‘Egad’.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s in a Name? or . . . . . Where Did THAT Word Come From!

What’s in a Name . . . 
or . . .
Where Did THAT Word Come From!

What if your name … became an ACTUAL word?

You could become … eponymous! So for instance, try and guess which words in the following paragraph are named after a person! Hopefully this will be the most tantalizing post … EVER!!!

“That is a nice cardigan! Are you boycotting polyester? Your sideburns make me think of the ’60’s! And order me that jumbo sized burger please! I am going to buy some nice fuchsias and dahlias for my kitchen. I am looking forward to the saxophone concert tonight! You were always such a maverick! Let’s go to Pilates and unwind, then soak in your jacuzzi while we work on solving the riddles of the universe with new algorithms!”

I snuck in an Easter Egg there too! LOL! If you guessed cardigan, boycotting, sideburns, jumbo, fuchsias, dahlias, saxophone, maverick , Pilates, jacuzzi, and algorithms, then you are not a dunce! Snuck another Easter Egg in there at the end!

Words that do become part of pop culture or fully enshrined in the English language could be from an invention, cultural importance, fictional references, personal traits or just about ANYTHING, including .. an elephant!

The more I looked, the more interesting sites I found that have dozens and dozens of words, and the best of them are at the bottom, where you can find alphabetical listings of words!

AND another interesting topic for a future post will be how nouns are turned into verbs! Say what? Oh, I am certain you will understand if I mention I am going to go … Google something! LOL!

  1. Eponym (Wikipedia)
  2. 30 Words Inspired by 29 People and An Elephant
  3. 15 Words You Didn’t Realize Were Named After People
  4. 15 Common Words That Were Inspired by Real-Life People
  5. Famous Names That Inspired Common Words
  6. 10 Words You Didn’t Realize Were Named After People
  7. 23 words you didn’t know were named after people
  8. Words you may not have known were named after people
  9. Our Favorite Eponyms: 10 Common Words Named After People
  10. 6 common words you had no idea were named after people
  11. 25 Words You Might Not Have Realized Were Named After People
  12. The Top Ten: Eponyms
  13. What is an Eponym? (Alphabetical List)
  14. List of eponyms (A–K) Wikipedia
  15. List of eponyms (L–Z) Wikipedia

Now, going for lunch, listening to some Gregorian music and making a grilled cheese sandwich! Okay, just stop it with the Easter Eggs! 

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

 

25 Words You Might Not
Have Realized
Were Named After People

10 Things You Didn’t Know
Were Named After People

28 Foods That Are
Named After People

19 Things You Didn’t Know 
Were Named After People

 

 

 

 

The Original and Universal Language of . . . MATH!

The Original and . . . 
Universal Language of . . .
MATH!

MATH or to get technical ….. MATHEMATICS

FULL DISCLOSURE – in a galaxy (Alberta) far, far away (Calgary), I was a … high school Math teacher! I knew all about numbers and … stuff! But calculus is just a fading memory now! 😂

I firmly believe that Math truly IS A LANGUAGE! And I also believe it is the FIRST language ever used! Why? To me, counting alone is a primary form of communication! How many things are required to … survive?

Perhaps the actual concept of an actual number might be hard to uncover, but perhaps the simple act of sharing food – breaking a single thing into … more, could have been the first concept of numbers, and thus … survival. Just my own Theorem of The Day!

And my favourite lesson to teach, of all time, OF ALL TIME(!) is a lesson in Counting! That will be a future post and it was one of the first lessons I ever taught … anywhere!

There are some great sites out there that argue that Mathematics is a language and I agree with them!

  1. Why Mathematics is a Language
  2. Math is a Foreign Language: So Treat it Like One!
  3. Why Being Good at Language Arts Means That You Can Do Math
  4. Why Math is the “Language of the Universe:”
  5. Mathematics: The Beautiful Language of the Universe

My favourite, but not necessarily “best” subjects were Trigonometry, Algebra and Statistics (Games of Chance!) as I had amazing teachers! There was a direct correlation between a great and engaging teacher and, for myself, learning a subject – especially for math. I believe that is still true, especially for learning anything, and most especially for learning another language!

I was lucky to have quite a few AWESOME teachers – Math teachers, from Grade 7 all the way through to university! But I did hit a brick wall, at speed, when I needed one last, 3rd year Calculus course, way back when! I hit my limits there … pun TOTALLY INTENDED!

And lots of Math Jokes and Cartoons here too!

As long as there are words (and of course, numbers!) out there, there will be interesting topics! 

 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

 

A Performance of
Mathemagic

Math Isn’t Hard
It’s a Language – Randy Palisoc

Is Math a Language? 

What is it Like to Learn Math 
in a Different Language?

Is Math the . . . 
Language of the Universe?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Texting or . . . TXTng . . . is it a Language?

Texting or . . . 
TXTng . . .
Is it a . . . Language?

TEXTING! Everyone I know, EVERYONE (except for one technologically averse brother!) uses their phones to text … EVERYONE!

FULL DISCLOSURE – I rely on my iPhone mostly to . . . take photos!

And I bought my current phone because my daughter had the same one … and she can then help ME figure it out! 🤣

I regard it as a camera … with texting on the side! I don’t even have a data plan!

But I could easily set the camera aspect aside, and as little as I actually use texting, I find it indispensable. Confirming with my daughter she is almost done with her meeting for her ride home, checking that coffee buddies are on the way, sending amusing gifs or clip art to friends, letting colleagues know I might be a bit late due to a flat tire ON the way to work, the plane just landed and be out soon, and even emergency warnings from my community! INDISPENSABLE

But …. is it a language? It is. It absolutely IS!

Texting is a form of instant communication. It might look different, but most languages DO look different from each other! It is a silent form of communication but so is American Sign Language! It may not have the subtle gestures and mannerisms of an actual conversation with important topics to be discussed, but the Rosetta Stone is not a great coffee buddy!

Who didn’t pass notes during high school? How is that different from texting? Okay, a bit more sophisticated nowadays but basically, the same thing!

MORE FULL DISCLOSURE – I admit that I really have no idea what many of the new ‘words’ used in texting actually mean, and that includes the graphics too! That doesn’t matter! Getting the message across is what matter! And in many ways, texting requires imagination as well as brevity!

“Since brevity is the soul of wit / And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief…”

Can you imagine how quick with the quip, Shakespeare would have been, if he had laptops, pads, phones and instant messaging? Macbeth may just have been talking about the Internet when he doth said:

Life’s The Internet is but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his  it’s hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”

And of course, the inevitable happened. Shakespeare was weaponized … as text messages!

 

And some marvelous TED Talks from John McWhorter about Texting are below. And according to him, texting is a Linguistics miracle. Enjoy!

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

 

John McWhorter:
Txtng is killing language. JK!

John McWhorter
A Surprising New Language — Texting

 

 

 

 

Manic Monday Random Theme of . . . . HAIKU!

Manic Monday . . . 
Random Theme of . . .
Haiku  

Haiku! THE classic form of Japanese poetry!

So what exactly IS Haiku? Well, according to Wikipedia:

Haiku (俳句About this soundlisten) is a short form of Japanese poetry in three phrases, typically characterized by three qualities:

    1. The essence of haiku is “cutting” (kiru).[1] This is often represented by the juxtaposition of two images or ideas and a kireji (“cutting word”) between them,[2] a kind of verbal punctuation mark which signals the moment of separation and colours the manner in which the juxtaposed elements are related.
    2. Traditional haiku often consist of 17 on (also known as morae though often loosely translated as “syllables”), in three phrases of 5, 7, and 5 on, respectively.[3]
    3. A kigo (seasonal reference), usually drawn from a saijiki, an extensive but defined list of such terms.

The most famous haiku of all time is by Basho, the most famous Haiku poet of all time.

 

 

 

 

 

It is not as easy as you think, but … it is ALWAYS FUN to write Haiku! I tend to …. break the rules and make up funny Haiku for work, so by no means are the following Haiku meant to be anything but fun and a bit more … UVic, Help Desk and CALL … ‘themed’! When we return to UVic, I will restart my CALL Haiku of the Day on the whiteboards! 

Windows Update? Sure!
1% done ….. updating …..
DO NOT TURN ME OFF!

your iMac won’t boot?
Chrome needs latest Flash update?
COMPUTER HELP DESK!

Paris in Springtime
Tour de France best race in world
Let’s learn to speak French!

World Class Instructors
American Sign Language
‘Sign’ up for this course!

Spring is in the air
So much homework at UVIC
Let’s learn Japanese!

 

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

The Power of Daily Haiku
Ted Talk – Zezan Tam

Haiku
The World’s Shortest Poem

Kermit the Frog
Working on His Haiku
(. . . it’s not easy, being green!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relieving Stress . . . International Words and Self-Care Trends

Relieving Stress . . . 
International Words and
Self-Care Trends  

I hope everyone is at home, staying healthy and safe.

I know I am trying different techniques, strategies and approaches to reduce stress while working at home. Meditation, cycling, reading, writing, phoning my family, frequent breaks, fresh air, sunshine and petting my cat works wonders for me.  On campus, the Uvic MultiFaith Centre is offering Virtual Meditation using ZOOM, until May 18th!

And then I thought … there must be techniques and strategies in other countries, and of course, words that describe them! And off to have tea with my internet friend … GOOGLE!

The most amazing word I found comes from Denmark! And it somehow seems appropriate that it is a very short word, only 3 letters, but delivers an important message, without any real translation into English! That word is PYT! It basically means “Don’t worry about it….” or “Oh well….

According to this video, “Pyt can reduce stress because it is a sincere attempt to encourage yourself and others to not get bogged down by minor daily frustrations”. Pyt was recently voted the most popular word by Danes. Sounds good to me.

And that is not the only Danish word that makes this list. I only recently heard of ‘Hygge‘ , described and compared to ‘Pyt‘ below:

Denmark: Hygge and pyt

The Danish are the OG masters of self-care: Despite winters so heavy and dark that Danes lovingly refer to their country as Mordor” (yes, the land of evil and darkness from Lord of the Rings) from November through February, Denmark is routinely ranked one of the three happiest countries in the world. The secret is in the cultural mindset, which has given rise to the international trends of hygge, and pyt.

Hygge is all about getting cozy and staying in. Think of its brand as emphasizing handmade, beautiful objects like homespun wool sweaters, handmade ceramics and dipped candles. Hygge isn’t all about objects, though. It embodies a sense of togetherness – think simple family meals at raw wooden tables, and nights spent cuddled by the fire, sipping cocoa and singing folk song

Everyone’s self-care needs are different, and some self-care experts are uncovering the virtue in a different Danish concept: pyt. Pronounced like “pid,” pyt doesn’t have a precise English translation: It’s a cultural concept about cultivating healthy thoughts to better deal with stress. If hygge keeps your heart and toes warm, pyt is more about maintaining mental health for an overall sense of wellbeing.

And there are more amazing words and techniques from all over the world!

  • Japan: Ikigai and Wabi Sabi
    • Wabi sabi is an aesthetic principle that, like all things Japanese, is deeply rooted in philosophy: in this case, a beauty that is impermanent, imperfect, and incomplete. Homes of wabi sabi practitioners are uncluttered, featuring simple, handmade or natural objects, asymmetry and roughness, natural light, and clean lines. Especially in the rush of the working world and holiday madness, wabi sabi can be a balm
  • Wales: Cwtch
    • Cwtch (don’t worry, we’ve got you – it’s pronounced “kutch”) is like hygge, but specifically for the home. Specifically, cwtch comes from the Welsh word for “cubbyhole,” referring to a small, cozy nook made specifically for cuddling in. It also means something like “giant, double hug” – so practitioners of this form of self-care are essentially crafting home spaces (think canopy beds piled in thick quilts) that embrace you like a hug.
  • Scandinavia: Friluftsliv
    • Weather isn’t enough to keep Swedes and Norwegians inside. In fact, the concept of friluftsliv, meaning “open-air living” is central to Nordic culture, and visitors will see Swedes, Norwegians, and Danes out walking, hiking and biking even in sub-zero temperatures. Born of a belief that physical and mental health are strengthened by spending time in nature, the concept was popularized by Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen in the 1850s, and has been driving the Scandinavians to seek wellness outdoors since.
  • Sweden: Lagom
    • Let’s hop on down to Sweden and zero in on a concept the Swedes are insisting isn’t the new hygge. This simplicity-based lifestyle is called lagom, and it translates to something like, “Not too much, not too little – just right.” To live your life with the lagom mindset is to take things in moderation (yes, including moderation) – you shouldn’t crowd your home and mind, but you also don’t need to go full monk. It’s simple, clean, with an emphasis on upcycling and recycling. It’s anti-clutter. It’s just right.
  • Netherlands: Gezellig
    • Less about simple self-care and more about a living a full and vibrant life, this Dutch term has a cloud of translated meanings, including coziness, celebration, comfort and gregariousness. Unlike the rest of its cohort, gezellig (noun: gezelligheid) is about fun, and welcomes clutter, noise, and great time. Think laughter, warm colors, great food and spirits, and rooms crowded with the plants, books and knick-knacks that breathe life and personality into a space.

And here are a list of other sites that might be of interest too:

Find what will work for you and your family and take care of yourselves.

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

The Key to Happiness
May Be In This Danish Word

7 Nordic Concepts to
Help You Change Your Life

So What is
Danish Hygge?

 

 

 

 

Medieval Help Desk . . . or Bomgar Through the Ages

Medieval Help Desk or . . . 
Bomgar Through the Ages . . .  

THE best part of working for The Computer Help Desk is … talking with people! Every day is different, every person is different and we get to help students, staff, faculty and people from around the entire world!

And this post is definitely on the lighter side of what happens at a Computer Help Desk!

If you haven’t heard of ‘The IT Crowd‘, then that is mandatory viewing for anyone even ‘remotely connected‘ to any Help Desk! (Cheeky pun there .. hehe!).

You can get more information about each episode at ‘Next Episode‘ and my ALL TIME Favourite Episode has Moss introducing the Internet to Jen! So many clips can be found at YouTube as well! I will put a couple of clips at the bottom of this post!

And of course, The IT Crowd is at Netflix!

Another hilarious clip is when a Medieval monk introduces new technology to one of the other monks at their monastery. There are a few versions of them, so I will put a few of them at the bottom too, in English as well as with subtitles!

All in good fun and for me, the best parts of them all – you get to talk to people and solve their problems! And I have solved SO many computer problems in CALL and elsewhere – even recommending to my own brother – ‘Have you tried turning it off and on?‘ .. and it solves the problem! LOL!

As long as there are words out there, there will be interesting topics! 

ENJOY!                TTFN!

 

The IT Crowd
Have You Tried Turning it Off and On?

Moss Introduces Jen
to . . . The Internet

Medieval Help Desk
(with English subtitles)

Medieval Help Desk
English Version

Medieval Help Desk
Funnier Subtitles

‘For the 80th time, you cannot get rid of viruses by pouring bleach down the back of your computer!’