Step into the mind of a young man

thinking-manI’m going to do something a little different this week. Everyone has different struggles and sometimes reading about someone else allows you to relate in a positive way. I’m not saying this will happen. Maybe this is more of a rant/rambling than anything interesting, but here’s what I struggle with emotionally.

We all start university together. I made friends with people and became close to them as I try my best to succeed in academia. Unfortunately, not everybody has the same experience as I do.

Personally, I am one of the many students with medical school dreams and statistically there are many more students who do not go to medical school than do. I thought, this won’t happen to my “team” but it does and, in some cases, it’s heartbreaking.

What is the difference between success and failure in academics? I’m not really too sure. In my case, I assure you I didn’t study any harder than anybody else and it would be hard for me to think that I wanted it more. Well maybe, I’m 29 and this is really my last shot, but I doubt that did anything tangible to my work ethic.

The one thing I think I may have done more was to think about how to get there. In my early twenties, I thought way more about things like girls, funny movies and what I looked like with my shirt off. During my degree, I constantly thought about how I was going to get better grades and into medical school.

I’d lie awake on sleepless nights thinking about what my chances were, how I could improve and what other successful students were doing that I could adopt. It gave me an emotional investment that I think contributed to my eventual improvement.

Bad tests would devastate me for days. It’s even worse now. The emotional investment may be a factor that causes some students to persevere. Also, I did the little things: checking my tests for ways to improve, developing networking relationships with peers and taking classes over the summer.

It’s tough for me though because there are a lot of great people and minds that do not make it to medical school. I know students that would blow me away in any biochemistry or organic chemistry class, but could not excel in classes that did not challenge them or interest them.

I wish I could have somehow motivated everyone more and made sure everyone succeeded because we all had the talent; however, I’ve learned that I can’t always push people to do it my way and sometimes I just have to let things go. I don’t even know if I’ve done enough to make it. I’m a lot more confident now then I was when I started. I know the struggle, so everyone out there getting up early to study or closing down the library – I got love for you. Keep grindin’ because I guarantee it’ll be success that you’re finding.

Letting things go is something I’ve always had trouble with. I’m going to really go Drake on everybody here – ha! Every girl I date, it’s like, “You’re still in love with your ex!” Well that’s what my ex said about the one before that. I can’t be in love with all these women, can I?

Relationships and school are tough. At first, I had relationship trouble with the girl I was dating because she didn’t want to be number 2 to science. It was tough because I had to dedicate myself to school and at the same time she wanted to spend time with me. Things didn’t work out for many reasons, but my dedication to school definitely was a contributing factor.

So then I thought if I dated a girl at school, she would understand that school came first. That was a pretty good move. School is stressful and it’s good to have support. University girls are nice.

When I’m stressed to the max about exams and my future and I don’t have that much time to put into the relationship – they understand, for a while. They want to progress the relationship and do things like spend more time together. Then before I know it, over 2 years has passed and they are talking about moving in. Can I even handle that? I may love the girl at this point, so what am I going to do, tell her no?

Eventually, everyday stress just gets the better of me. Relationship stress adds to the stress I may already be experiencing at school and work. Maybe I used to count the days I could spend with her and now I just subtract them.

It’s tough for me to spend a lot of time with one person every day. I forget about what’s important. Then I chalk it up to: maybe the time was wrong, but the love was right. Then before I know it, I’m 29 and I’ve had 3 or 4 of these relationships. It’s starting to look like it’s me, not them.

I value longevity in a relationship and I want to build something with someone – a productive, positive relationship, that hopefully lasts forever. I have no answers for this one though and I’m not sure finding the “right” girl is the solution. I need to figure it out. I don’t want to become a doctor and be so engrossed at work that I’m divorced 3 times and my children think I’m never there.

Life is always going to be busy and stressful, so I need to be absolutely make sure I have time for the most important people in my life. I lose myself in things like school and I forget about everything else. One step at a time… I need to celebrate more birthdays and do the little things to make sure the people I care about know that I care.

Another big problem is losing the motivation to go to the gym. Something that has been part of my life forever, I no longer have the same passion for. The reasons I started in the first place no longer apply. What were those? I could lie and say, health and developing good attributes. The answer is really – girls. Hey, I was sixteen. What do you expect?

Someone should have told me that they really didn’t care if I worked out or not; well at least the good ones don’t care, right? I don’t have any reasons that I go any more; well, maybe health is the closest. I’m not training for anything, just life. I hate it some days, my body being sore and my mental state being diminished because of the stress I place on my body. I don’t even do it right. I routinely run my body into the ground and over-train. I don’t even follow a smart program.

At various points in my life, I have been significantly better at things than I am now. It’s depressing when I remember what I used to be able to do. I just do what I can do that day because that workout may actually be my last. Maybe I burn out and snap and never go again. I don’t know. The main driving factor is that I don’t want to be that guy that used to be in good shape, so I force myself to go. One thing I know is that it’ll turn around and I’m going to recapture that passion. I’m going to be in better shape than I even have been. I know it.

This is the thing about psychological states. Most are temporary. I just have to have the belief that things will change eventually. I know I’m going to be in love again at some point and it will be better than I’ve previously experienced. I’m going to be in better shape and passionate about the things I’m doing. The funny thing is that sometimes when I’m really happy, time flies and I don’t even realize how good it is until I experience a lull. There are ebbs and flows to this life thing. Time passes, things change and I realize my lows were never as low as I thought they were and the highs are always attainable.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it
But there’s only way I’mma know

I’m like a seed planted in the dirt
Feels like I’ve been waiting forever to grow

And maybe today is the day
And maybe tonight is the night
But one thing that I know for sure
This time I’mma get it right
.” -logic

 

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1 Response

  1. Courtney says:

    I read this a while ago, and just wanted to say “thank-you” for sharing something that is quite personal. I don’t have anything to speak to other than the fact that you should know this has been read, and it was meaningful and greatly appreciated because of your openness.

    I’m sorry you’ve had to face those struggles, and continue to work through them in certain ways. I just wanted to encourage and thank you for what you wrote. It was touching, and I felt genuinely invited to share something substantial with someone I barely know.

    Ta, 🙂

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